

M-6 



MISS DUZENBERRY. 



PQ 2321 
.115 
Copy 1 



A BURLESQUE COMEDY. 



Adopted from the French of Eugene Labiche 

for the Trinity Dramatic Club, 

Hartford, Conn. 



HARTFORD : 
Clark & Smith, Printers, 362 Main St. 



♦.■■ 



<v 



.. 

COPYEIGHT 1891, BY C. F. JOHNSON. 



MISS DTTZENBERRY; 

OR, 

Murder Will Out. 



A BURLESQUE COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 
Henry Barnaby. 
Percival Bogardus. 
Peter, Bogardus's Servant. 
William Smother, Esq., a country Landlord and Justice of 

the Peace. 
Quibble, a country Lawyer. 
Hossbarn, an Ostler. 
Deadhead, a Constable. 
Mary Brawn, a muscular young woman. 
Fanny Greenpath, a romantic young country girl. 
Citizens, Country People, etc. 



ACT I. 

Bogardus's Apartment. A large room, with bookcase, easy chairs, etc. 

Doors on right and left at back, leading to sleeping rooms. Enhance 

on right. Peter preparing the breakfast -table, etc. 

Peter- Here it is ten o'clock, and Mr. Bogardus not up yet ! I 
shall have to get a new place with some gentleman who is more reg- 
ular in his habits, because I have to eat my own breakfast at seven, 
regular ; and then I have to eat all that is left of his, and I never 
know when to be ready for it. It isn't pleasant to eat when one is 
not prepared. I like to be regular in my meals. Pats plates on table* 
I am naturally methodical, and sometimes he says : 'Peter I feel 
rocky this morning,' and then he doesn't eat much, and that is hard 
on me, for I have to eat all that is left, and sometimes he says, 
u Peter, I feel like a skylark this morning;" and that is hard on me, 
too, for then there is not anything left for me. I'm regular in my 



habits, I am. I like other people to be regular. Last night he went 
out to the annual dinner of his school. When did he come back? 
1 don't know. Going out is one thing, coming back is another 
thing. If he isn't more regular in his habits, I must discharge him. 
But, I had best brush his clothes and black his boots or he might 
discharge me. Picks up boots. Here are his boots, muddier than 
ever, just to bother me. These are not his boots. He has brot' 
home another person's boots. Just to bother me, he has got a large 
pair. Looking behind chair. Here is another pair of boots He has 
brought back two pairs of boots and no trowsers. What does he 
want of two pairs of boots, both muddy, just to bother me ! Stop ! 
there must be a body belonging to these boots. Snoring heard within. 
It's alive, sure as I'm born. Opens door. He has not only brought 
home a pair of boots, but he has brought the man that belongs to 
'em. I'll shine these boots, and if it's any kind of a gentleman, he'll 
give me a quarter. Snores like he was in a sleeping car ! Sounds 
kind of liberal. I'll brush his clothes and shine his boots. Here's 
that jar of tobacco that was sent home yesterday. Smells mighty 
good. Guess I'll sample that while I shine these boots. Takes news- 
paper from the outside, folds it up and lays on table, fills his pipe. 
Exit with boots. 
Bogardus enters from right-hand bed-room door. He is in his 

shirt sleeves and slippers and rubs his eyes and yawns sleepily. 

Eogardus- Gad, but I feel rocky this morning. This thing has 
got to stop, my boy. It has got to stop right here, Bogardus. You've 
got to vote a straight prohibition ticket my boy, hereafter, or you 
will fill an early drunkard's grave. Pats on wrong coat. What's 
the matter with the coat ? Big shrinkage here. Stringency in the 
wool market. Must have got it wet last night. Don't feel like my 
coat. Don't look like my coat. Don't smell like my coat. 'Tisn't 
my coat. Takes it off and flings it down angrily. This is my coat. 
Putting it on. Ah, that feels better. But, whose coat is that ? I 
don't deal in second-hand coats with base-ball scores in the pocket, 
but then I can't remember what line of business I went into last 
night. I remember part of the supper, and there is a sort of blank 
settles down on my mental horizon. Kind of a mental fog shuts out 
things. Seems to me I remember a dance — or, was it a circus ? 
Circus can't open after 12. Musi have been a dance. Snoring heard 
within. What's that ? 44 Listen to the mocking bird." Sounds like 
a snore. Tin a snore. Good one too. Must have a trombone in 
his head. Who lias any right to snore in my apartment at 9:45 a. 
If. V Opens door. It is a full-grown man lying crossvvays with his 



clothes on. Here, you ! you musn't snore like that you know, at 
9:45 in my room. Snoring continues, Oh, come now ! Stop that ! 
Wake up, wake uup-p — . Snoring continues. I'll fix him. 
Brings shovel and poker and bangs them together at door. Wake up 
John ! Henry ! William, wake up ! Barnaby in his shirtsleeves and 
stockings tumbles precipitately into the room. 

Barnaby- Where is the fire ? 

Bogardus. There isn't any fire. How came you to be sleeping 
in my apartment, sir ? 

Barnaby. Was I asleep ? 

Bogardus. Asleep ! I should say so. You were snoring like 
a Chicago drummer. 

Barnaby. Was I snoring? I was dreaming that I was at the 
battle of Gettysburg, and my snoring I took for the sound of 
musketry. 

Bo£a?*dus. Musketry ! I should think you would have taken 
it for the discharge of heavy artillery. May I ask how you came 
into my room ? 

Barnaby. Certainly you may, dear fellow. Don't hesitate to 
ask. It is the very thing I should like to know. First, is this your 
room? 

Bogardus- Aside. Cool hand this. Certainly, it is, sir, and I 
am not accustomed to have people snoring in it a 9:45 a. m. 

Barnaby- Putting on his coat. You must be an early riser. 
Do j T ou know there is something familiar in your face — something 
about that nose that reminds me of childhood's joys. Would you 
mind turning a little to the light ? 

Bogardus- There is something familiar in your manner; un- 
pleasantly familiar, sir. Perhaps you will favor me with your name. 

Barnaby- Oh, certainly. My name used to be Barnaby ; but 
where I am or who I am now, I haven't the slightest idea. Have 
you? 

Bogardus- Sir, you are in my rooms. 

Barnaby- Good rooms, too. Did I come here in my stocking 
feet? 

Bogardus- Sure I can't say. But see here, weren't you at St. 
Stephens's School in '78 ? 

Barnaby- Seems to me I was, but I didn't leave my shoes 
there, did I ? 

Bogardus. I remember you now. Don't you remember me ? 
I was a year ahead of you. My name is Bogardus. 

Barnaby. What, Skinny Bogardus? 



Bogardus- No. Tubby Bogardus. 

Barnaby* Your face comes up out of the past like a nightmare. 
You are the boy that stole farmer Jones's chickens, aren't you ? 

Bogardus I believe that I did. What absurd tilings one does 
when one is a boy ! But I can't exactly fix you, though I seem to 
recall your face. 

Barnaby- My name was Barnaby. 
Bogardus- What, Slimy Barnaby? 

Barnaby- No, not Slimy Barnaby, that was another fellow. 
I was Brassy Barnaby. 

Bogardus- Ah, Brassy Barnaby, to be sure. Now I recall you. 
Fou took the first prize in Greek composition, didn't you ? 

Barnaby- I believe that I did. What absurd things one does 
when one is a boy ! 
Bogardus- How are you Barnaby ? 
Barnaby- How are you, Bogardus ? They shake hands. 
Bogardus- You were at the annual dinner of our Alumni, last 
night, weren't you ? 

Barnaby- I went there, it seems to me. Did you ? 
Bogardus- Yes, I went there, but I can't remember coming 
away. Aside. — Gad, what a red nose he has. I remember that nose 
last night, but not the man. 

Barnaby- Reflecting. Yes, I went there, but I can't remember 
anything after the speeches began ; after that, everything is a sort of 
blank. I am subject to a sort of paralysis of the memory towards 
the end of these dinners. It is the effect of the speeches, no doubt. 

Bogardus- So am I. The fact is, I was partially paralyzed by 
the salmon, and my memory was entirely destroyed by something I 
took with the dessert. 
Barnaby- How are you, Bogardus? 
Bogardus- How are you Barnaby ? They shake hands. 
Barnaby- I remember that you sang something. 
Bogardus- Did I ? 

Barnaby- Ye3. It made an impression on me. 
Bogardus- Didn't we go to a dance afterwards ? 
Barnaby- Seems to me that I remember some floating figures, 
but as I recall it, it was more like a fight. 

Bogardus- Perhaps it was a fight, I don't know. It seems to 
me that we went to a theatre. 

Barnaby- I never can recollect when I have been to the thea- 
tre. Didn't we go to a fire ? Seems to me I recollect a fire. There 
was a noise. 



Bogardus- No doubt there was a noise if you were there. 
Seems to me I remember riding in a coach and blowing a horn. The 
fact is, Barnaby, they ought not to give punch at these annual din- 
ners. 

Barnaby- You are right. It might lead some of the younger 
men astray, so that they could not recall next morning what they 
had been doing. 

Bogardus- You are right. It is a pernicious custom, and we 
older men should frown upon it. 

Barnaby- We should. We will frown upon it, for the sake of 
the younger men. Enter Peter with Boots. 

Peter- Aside. I knowed there was a body connected with dem 
boots. 

Barnaby- Ah, my boots. Now I am all here. Puts on boots. 

Bogardus- Peter— 

Peter. Yes, sah. 

Bogardus- Lay a plate for Mr. Barnaby. 

Peter- Yes, sah. Aside. — There won't be anything left. 

Bogardus- Peter, have you seen anything of my umbrella ? 

Peter- Your blue silk umbrella, sah ? 

Bogardus- Yes, my blue silk umbrella with the monkey's head 
carved on the handle. 

Peter- You took it yesterday when you went out, sah. I re- 
member distinctively, but it has teetotally vanished. 

Bogardus I wouldn't lose it for anything. I will advertise for 
it as lost. 

Barnaby- Advertise for a lost umbrella ! You must have faith 
in human nature. — Putting on his coat. Feels in the pockets. Where 
is my handkerchief ? Pulls out a womarts shoe. What under the sun 
is this ? We must have been going into the retail shoe business. 

Bogardus- Writes. Here Peter, take this to the World office 
when you go out, and pay one dollar. Puts on shoes. What is this 
in my shoe ? What is this in my shoe ? A piece of charcoal. Have 
you been trying to black my shoes outside and in, Peter ? 

Peter- No, sah. I don't know where that came from, sah. 

Barnaby- Come, let us have some breakfast. I'm hungry as 
the sea. 

Bogardus . Aside.— Gad, he is a cool hand. Oh yes, by all 
means, let us have some breakfast. Bring in all that there is, Peter. 

Peter- Yes, sah. Aside, If he is as hungry as that, there 
won't be much left for me. It's all ready, sah. Exit Peter. 

Barnaby. Phi terribly thirsty, too, drinks from goblet on table. 
After all, there is no drink like water. 



6 

Bogardws. Yes, and the after effects are so much better. 

Barnaby. It doesn't vaporize the memory in that singular 
way. If a man is going to be a confirmed drinker, it is safest for 
him to be a confirmed water drinker. 

Bogardus. Does the fog seem to lift from your memory at all? 

Barnaby. Yes, somewhat. iSeems to me we went to a ball 
game. 

Bogardus. They don't play ball in the middle of the night. 

Enter Pete?' with tray for breakfast. 

Barnaby. Ah, that looks good. Must have been to a theatre. 
Seems to me I remember applause. 

Bogardus. Theatres are all closed. Sit down. 

Barnaby . Sitting down. Seems a pity to loose some hours out 
of two youug lives, don't it? 

Bo tardus. "Like the lost books of Livy; nobody knows what 
was in them. Have some omelet ? 

Barnaby. Thanks— taking it. Omelet is too salt. 

Bogardus Aside — Gad, he is a cool hand. Well, you see we 
didn't expect you or we would have put in less. 

Barnaby. Oh, I don't mind. I eat anything. 

Bo tardus. Stiffly. Help yourself. Don't hesitate to express 
your mind freely on my account, I beg. Peter give me the morning 
paper. 

Peter. Aside. Now I clean disremembered to bring up that 
morning paper, and he is getting mad. This will do. 

Takes paper from his pocket that was around tobacco jar. Here it 
is, sah. 

Barnaby • Coffee reminds me of school days. 

Bo tardus. Shouldn't think it would. 

Barnaby, Why not? Got the same old taste. 

Bo tardus. Because, boys that had been cutting up at night, 
weren't allowed coffee in the morning. 

Barnaby. That is true. I remember. You never had any 
coffee there, so you don't remember the flavor. Anything in the 
paper this morning ? 

Bo tardus. Aside. Confound his impudence! He is a cool 
hand.— No, don't seem to be. Murder as usual, Beads—" Horrible 
occurrence in the fifth ward. A woman found dead and horribly 
mutilated." 

Barnaby. They are always doing that sort of thing. Furnishes 
the papers with news. This omelet is horribly salt. 

Ho tardus. Sorry you didn't write me word of your visit. We 
would" have one made to your taste. Peter, make auother omelet. 



Peter. Yes, sab. Five eggs, sah ? Aside. Now there will be 
something left. Exit Peter. 

Bogardus. Continues reading. " The assassins are supposed to 
be two in number." 

Bamaby Eating. Two men against one woman. The brutes 
must have thought that two is company and three is a crowd. 

Bogardws- Beading. Our efficient police are on the track of 
the murderers. They have found a clue. 

Bamaby- That is all they do find. They always find a 
c lue. But when they follow it up there isn't anything at the other 
end. 

Bogardus- Reads. " The young woman was apparently carry- 
ing home a small package of candy." 

Bamaby. That is what attracted the assassins, I suppose. 

Bogardus- Beads. " She had also a lot of charcoal in a paper 
bag, and near the body was found a light silk handkerchief marked 
E. B." 

Barnaby. E. B. ! Edward Barnaby ! My handkerchief by all 
that is inculpating ! What was she doing with it ? 

Bogardus- Beads. " Which had apparently been used to stifle 
the cries of the victim. And a green silk umbrella, with an ivory 
handle carved to represent a monkey's head." My umbrella, as sure 
as there is a judge in the Supreme Court ! 

Barnaby- There was a piece of charcoal in my shoe, and a 
woman's shoe in my pocket. Jumping up. 

Bogardus- You must have borrowed my umbrella last night. 
Putting his hand in his coat pocket. 

Bamaby- I never borrow umbrellas and I wouldn't take one 
with a carved ivory handle. Its bad style. You must have borrowed 
my handkerchief. 

Bogardus- Drawing his hand from his pocket. What's this? 

Bamaby Candy ! The spoils of our victim ! 

Bogardus- This is horrible, Barnaby. It would appear that 
we must have wandered forth on the streets, flushed with wine. 

Bamaby- Groaning. So it would, so it would, Bogardus. 
And we must have struck down a defenceless young woman 
carrying a package of candy and charcoal to her family at two 
o'clock in the morning. 

Bamaby. Such seems to be the awful fact, Bogardus. Angrily. 
What was she doing on the streets with packages of charcoal and 
candy, at 4 o'clock in the morning ? Young women ought to be at 
home by 9 o'clock. 



Bogardus- They ought. She ought to be ashamed of herself. 

Bamaby- The police are on our trail, Bogardus. 
Bogardus- They have a clue, Barnaby. 

Bamaby- But they can't find us, Bogardus. 

Bogardus- That umbrella. Oh, that umbrella. 

Bamaby- Probably you jabbed the life out of the poor girl with 
the point or crushed her skull with furious blows from the ivory 
handle carved like a monkey's head. 

Bogardus- That umbrella, that umbrella ! 

Bamaby- Surely you don't mind tjie loss of one umbrella? 

Bogardus It is horrible, that umbrella, Why did I leave it 
on the scene of blood ? 

Bamaby- Never mind that umbrella. You can buy another 
one of a better style. 

Bogardus- That umbrella, that fatal umbrella ! My name and 
address were on a silver plate on the handle. 

Barnaby- Why did you have your name and address on a 
silver plate on the handle ? 

Bogardus- I never thought of assassinating anybody with it. 

Bamaby- You were very careless to leave it. We must seek 
safety in flight. 

Bogardus- We must, at once. Hush — Enter Peter. 

Peter- I have brought you another omelet, sah. 

Ba/maby- Thank you, Peter. 1 have had quite enough. 

Peter- To Bogardus. Shall I help you, sah ? 

Bogardus- No, Peter, I have no appetite. 

Peter- Aside. There will be lots left after all. 

Bogardus- Peter, we are going out for a little walk. If any 
one calls before we go, tell him we have gone to the races. If any- 
one calls after we are gone, ask him to take a seat and wait till we 
return. 

Barnaby- Aside. Gad, what executive ability he has ! 

Peter- Yes, sah. If any people come before you are gone, show 
them up. 

Bo tardus* No, no, you rascal. If anyone calls before we are 
gone, say that we are out. If anyone calls after we are out show 
them up. Say that we will soon return and ask him to wait. Here, 
Peter. Giving him some money. 

Peter- Thank you, sir. I understand now. 

Bogardus- You may remove the breakfast, Peter. 

Bamaby- And, Peter, if anyone calls, perhaps it may be as 
well for you to forget that anybody has been here except Mr. 
Bogardus. Gives him some money. 



9 

Peter- Thank you, sir. 1 disremember it tetotally, sah. There 
wasn't anybody slept in that room worth mentioning. 

Bogardus You may remove the breakfast, Peter. And, Peter, 
you need not put that notice in the paper. I don't care much for that 
umbrella. It was old and out of style. Give me the notice, Peter. 

Peter- Yes, sah. Hands him the notice and exit Peter with the 
tray, etc. 

Bogardus. Taking up tlie shoe. These evidences of our guilt 
must be destroyed, Barnaby. 

Bamaby. Certainly, but how ? 

Bogardus. Presenting the shoe. Eat it. Do not hesitate. 

Bamaby. Might eat the candy. Can't eat that. Aside — How 
fertile he is in resourses. 

Bogardus. Burn it, then. Put it in the stove. Put some 
paper with it and consume it utterly. 

Bamaby. AH right. We will have some fried sole. Puts it in 



Bogardus. Don't jest in a moment like this. Take some 
paper. Not this morning's paper. Take this. Hands him some 
neiospaper. Barnaby puts paper from which they had read into his 
pocket and the other with shoe into stove. 

Bamaby- Aside. What presence of mind he has. I believe 
that he is used to this sort of thing. There were no witnessess to the 
horrid deed, Bogardus. 

Bogardus. No, but circumstantial evidence is enough to hang 
a man. 

Bamaby. Hang a man ! What do you mean ? 

Bogardus- It's a hanging matter, Barnaby. You don't sup- 
pose that you can assassinate young women with impunity, do you? 

Bamaby- Don't they make some allowance for the first 
offense ? 

Bogardus. Yes, they fix it so that it shall be the last. 

Bamaby. Don't they take the youth of the accused into ac- 
count ? 

Bogardus- They do. They arrange it so that he sha'n't grow 
any older. 

Bamaby. Is the law like that. Aside. How well he under- 
stands criminal law. 

Bogardus. That is the law, Barnaby. 

Bamaby. Then it ought to be changed. 

Bogardus. Barnaby, the police are on our track. We have 
got to tace the consequences of our peccadillo. The police are on 
our trail. They may arrive at any moment. We must fly. 



10 

Bamaby- But there were no witnesses to the peccadillo, in 
which the unfortunate young woman lost her candy and her life. 

Bogardus- No, I suppose not. That is true. Walks up and 
down. Aside. — There was but one witness. Why not remove him ? 
I should be no worse off in the eye of the law and much more com- 
fortable in traveling. — Excuse me while I go into my room to pack 
a few necessaries. Exit Bogardus. 

Bamaby. He is the only living witness of the deed. Why not 
put him out of the way ? He is sure to be hanged sooner or later . 
Go then, Bogardus, to meet the unhappy female whom we slaught- 
ered, lakes carving knife from table. When he enters I will meet 
him here, — Grouches near door, — and hew him limb from limb. 
Strange how the appetite for blood grows on me. 

Re enters Bogardus with uplifted base-ball bat. Meets Bamaby with 
knife. They make faces at one another. 
Bamaby. How are you, Bogardus ? 
Bogardus- How are you, Barnaby ? Ihey shake hands. 
Bamaby- I was ready for the police, Bogardus. 
Bogardus- So was I. I should have dashed out their brains. 
Barnaby- It is strange how the appetite for blood grows on one. 
Alter that slight indulgence last night ; I feel like a human tiger. 
The Mr. Hyde part of us, got the upper hand. 

Bogardus- We are in the same boat, Barnaby. 
Bamaby We are. Our careers of crime began together. 
Bogardus- They did. If we are hanged it will be on the same 
gallows. 

Bamaby- "Happy and youthful in their lives, in death they 
were not divided." 

Bogardus- It won't do for us to be seen traveling. I have 
some disguises that we can assume till we reach a safe retreat. 
Bamaby- Safe retreat ! 

Bogardus- Yes, they will descend on us here, guided by that 
accursed umbrella. 
Barnaby- Descend on us ! Looking at ceiling. 
Bogardus* We must conceal our identity. I have some cos- 
tumes we used for our amateur theatricals. 

Bamaby. Can't conceal your identity that way. 
Bo0ardu8- Yes, we can. It must be done. Goes into bedroom. 
Bamaby- When T think that only yesterday I was a gay hap- 
py innocent youth, and that now I have entered on a course of crime 
which can have but one end ; it seems to me like a horrid dream. 
Yesterday I could look my fellow man in the eye and greet him with 



11 

a wholesome, salutation. Now, I must flee from city to city with a 
comparative stranger. Behind me I hear the baying of the clogs of 
the law. By my side sits a haunting fear of capture. Before me I 
see at the end of a long vista, a drop scene — a tight rope act in which 
I am the star. All around me I see the eye of the law, which seems 
to wink at me and say, "Go on young fellow, I have my eye on you, 
and some day I will clutch you" Enter Bogardus with bundle of cos- 
tumes. 

Bogard^us. The awful crime was committed by two young 
men. We now disappear from society and become a middle-aged 
man and women. You have a nice, slim figure and no mustache. 
You must be the woman. 

Bamaby. I have got quite a nice mustache coming. 

Bogardus- Not enough to be noticed. You must be the mid- 
dle-aged woman. 

Bamaby. Now, I say there is quite a nice mustache, Rubbing 
his lip. — Besides I don't want to be middle-aged. 

BoQardus- Nonsense. You can't pick and choose costumes 
with death staring you in the face. Here take these and go into my 
room and arrange yourself. 

Bamaby. How can 1 tell how such garments go ? Holds up 
Skirt. 

Borgardus- Oh, it is simple enough. Put your head through 
the places and fasten 'em around your waist. Hurry up now. Exit 
Bamaby through door on back. 

Bo tardus. Tries on his wig and changes coat ; ties on beard, 
etc. — It is a nuisance to have to take care of him, but there is no help 
for it. — Re-enters Bamaby in shirt sleeves with bustle in his hand. 

Bamaby. Where does this fish basket go — on the side or in 
front ? 

Bogardus. No, no. It belongs here. — Don't waste so much 
time. — Get your skirt on quick. 

Bamaby- Get my skirt on. You talk as if I were a milliner's 
apprentice. I tell you these things are mysterious. 

Bo tardus. Pshaw, you have no ingenuity. Don't fool, but put 
on your costume. 

Bamaby. I tell you it is a complicated arrangement. It takes 
time. Exit Bamaby. 

Bo$ard,us Continues his dressing, looks in glass, puts on hat. 
Last Time I wore these it was fun. Now it is earnest. No one knew 
me then. It was at Mrs. Brown's and Lily was the girl. She was 
a sister to me. She was a nice girl. - 



12 

Bamaby- From within. I'm getting the hang of these duds now. 
I believe I've caught the combination. 
Bo tardus- All right. Continues his dressing. 
Bamaby- From within. I've simplified the thing considerably. 
There is one mysterious garment here I'm going to discard. 

Bo&ardus- You had best not leave out anything. They all go 
somewhere. 

Bamaby- From within. I have it. Just wait a minute till I 
find the arm hole. There you are — Enters Bamaby in costume with 
bonnet in hand. There, am I not killing ? 

Bogoirdus- Killing ! Please don't mention the word. 
Bamaby. Well, at least I'm a stunning girl. 
Bogardus- Oh, don't say stunning either. It makes me think 
of that young girl returning to her home with a package of candy, 
little knowing her dreadful fate. 
Bamaby- Poor thing ! — Well, I'm charming anyhow, 
Bo&ardus- Seems to me there is a lack of harmony some- 
where. 

Bamaby- Lack of harmony indeed. Much you know about it. 
If you don't like my style get some other girl. 

Bo tardus- Now, Barnaby, don't be absurd. It seems to me 
that is not exactly a proper costume for the street. It might attract 
attention. 

Bamaby- Well, that is what a woman's dress is for is it not ? 
Pull my dress down behind please, that is a dear. How does my 
skirt hang ? Looks in glass. 

Bogardus- It has rather a lop-sided look somehow. How do 
women arrange these things ? 

Barnaby- Before glass. You're jealous. Tries to put on bonnet 
as if it were a derby. 

Bogardws- Here, you musn't do it that way. You will give 
the whole thing away. Put it on gingerly from behind — and pat it 
gently. 
Bamaby- Like this. Arranges his hat. 

Bo tardus- That is better. Still you have rather a masculine 
look somehow. 

Bamaby- Of course I have. That is the style of the modern 
girl. I say, Bogardus, there is lots of excitement in this criminal life, 
isn't there V 
JJo<>'ardus- You may find more excitement than you like. 
Barnaby- It's great fun being a girl— when you are a pretty 
one willi Style. Like me. Comes to front of stage. 

J Jo 'tardus- There, I think you will do now. Now, assume the 



13 

feminine air and remember that your name is Sussanna Duzenberry 
I am your husband, Obed Duzenberry, from Wayback. Now observe 
the conventionalities. 

Bamaby. Nobody can recognize us. Seats himself in chair 
and throws his leg over the arm. 

Bogardus- Here, you musn't do that. Assume a modest de- 
meanor. 

Bamaby. Like this ? 

Bogardus- No, more like this. Mind, you mustn't look at 
any men. 

Bamaby- Don't want to, if they look like you. 

Bogardus- Come, that is first rate for a wife. 

Bamaby* Where is the pocket ? No vest pocket ! No trow- 
sers pocket ! How is this ? This is a great rig. 

Bogardus- I think the pocket is somewhere round here. 

Bamaby* Turning round and round. Might as well have 
a pocket in another woman's dress. 

Bogardus- Here it is, I think. 

Bamaby- Poor women do have hard times, don't they ? 
Strides up and down. 

Bogardus- 5f ou musn't walk that way. Step as if your knees 
were tied together with an elastic band. There that is better. No- 
body can recognize us. 

Bamaby- Now, my dear, I think we are ready to go out. 

Bogardus- That isn't the way a man's wife talks to him. You 
must say, "Obed, how long are you going to keep me waiting? 

Bamaby- Obed, how long are you going to dilly-dally ? I 
never saw such a slow, old poke. 

Bogardus- That is much more natural. 

Bamaby- I say, old man, have you got anything to smoke? 

Bogardus- That won't do. You have got to give up smoking. 

Bamaby- Have I ? The way of the transgressor is hard. I 
never realized how hard before. 

Bogardus- Now, we are ready to depart. I know a quiet re- 
treat where we can remain secluded till this thing blows over. 

Bamaby- Do you know, the effect of this costume is to make 
me feel very tender towards that poor girl. 

Bogardus- Don't mention her. Shuddering. 

Bamaby- Weeping. So young and so lovely. Hangs on Bo- 
gardus. 

Bogardus- It can't be helped now. 

Bamaby- Cut down in the flower of her youth and happiness. 



14 

Bogardus- We must save ourselves. 

Bamaby- We are especially interested in her. We ought to 
put up a suitable monument, in the cemetery. 

Bogardus. Oh, nonsense ! 

Bamaby. I shall send a check to her family, as a token of my 
heart-felt sympathy. Takes check book from table. 

Bogardus. Are you crazy ? We must lie hidden. 

Bamaby. You must make some allowance for the tender feel- 
ings of a female. Don't speak so harshly to your own. Embraces 
him. 

Bogardus. Oh, stop.— You don't do it right anyhow. Enter 
Peter. 

Peter. Who are you ? How did you get in ? 

Bamaby. I am your father's ghost. No, I mean I am your 
mother's aunt. 

Peter. Frightened. For de Lawd, dere is something wrong here. 
Where Mr. Bogardus ? 

Bamaby. He has gone, Peter, to the region of the home wind. 
You are the last rose of summer, left blooming alone. Tell him we 
called, Peter. 

Peter. How he get down stairs without my see him ? Enters 
bed-room f Bamaby turns key. 

Bamaby- Why not kill him for practice. 

Bogardus- No, no. He is too good a servant. Good servants 
are rare. 

Peter. Within, kicking door. Let me out ! Let me out ! There 
is something wrong. Police ! Police ! 

Bogardus. In his natural voice near the door. What is the 
matter, Peter ? 

Peter- Within. Two strangers lock me in here, Mr. Bogardus. 

Bo tardus. To Bamaby. Our disguises are a success. To 
Peter. That is all right, Peter. They are my uncle and aunt from 
the country. Remain quietly in the room where you are, Peter. I 
must have some conversation with the old people. Don't disturb 
us, Peter. To Bamaby. Now we will lock all the doors and leave. 

Bamaby- Aside. Gad, what presence of mind he has ! I be- 
lie vr: that he is an old hand at dodging the law. Let us fly. Exeunt. 
— Curtain. 



15 



ACT II. 

Office of a country inn. Window on left. Practicable door in middle. 
Five splint-bottom chairs. Franklin stove, maps and advertisements, 
chromos on walls, etc. Counter at one end with hotel register, pens, 
show case, etc. Table. Smother, Hossbarn and Deadhead, all in 
their shirt- sleeves. 

Smother behind counter. The others tilted back in chairs, feet on 
table. 

Smot}ier> I see they have had quite a murder over to Camp- 
town . 

Hossbam Camptown always was quite a lively place. 

Deadhead- That's so. 

Hossbam- Don't nothing happen here. There ain't no enter- 
prize in Clayville. 

Deadhead- That's so 

Smother- Well, 1 had just as lieve the murder business was 
dull, as not. 

Deadhead- So would I. 

Hossbam- I tell you that a murder is a mighty good advertise- 
ment for a place. Calls attention to the natural advantages of the 
location. 

Smother- Expensive. 

Hossbam That's according to who it is that is murdered. It 
brings in lots of strangers and they all spend some money. 

Deadhead- . That's so. 

Hossbam And bosses ; and they all have to be fed. A coro- 
oner's jury would be worth five dollars to this house. Enter Bogar- 
dus and Barnaby disguised, from rear. 

Bq tardus- (3&n we have board and lodging here for a week or 
so? 

Smother- I reckon you can. Presenting register. Bogardus 
signs. Won't your lady go into the parlor ? 

Bogardus- Lady! What lady ? 

Smother- Why, this lady. Don't she belong to you ? 

Bo^ardllS- Oh, certainly she is my sister. Aside to Barnaby. 
You musn't tramp round so. You must go into the ladies parlor. 
You are not conventional 

Baniabfj. Aside to him. What can I do there? I had rather 
stay here. What did you divorce me for ? 



16 

Bogardus. Aside. Oh, I forgot. You can't stay here. Re- 
collet your sex. Don't make love to the chambermaid. 

Barnaby- Aside. If I remember my sex, I will. 

Smother- Show the lady to the parlor. Exit Hossbarn and 
Barnaby. 

Deadhead- Looking out of the window. There comes Haines's 
trotter. 

Smother- Is that so ? Smother, Deadhead and Hossbarn exeunt 
hurriedly. 

Bogardus. Here ! See here ! I want a room. Cool set this, 
to all rush out to see a horse and leave a man in possession ! Re- 
enter Barnaby. 

Barnaby- I'm not going to sit alone in that parlor with a cast 
iron stove and a stuffy smell and three chairs, two with broken 
backs, and a china lamp on the mantelpiece. I had rather be killed 
at once. I'm going out to the barn to see the horses. 

Bogardus- No, you must not. You are the most unmanage- 
able person I ever saw. You have no discretion at all. 

Barnaby- Have I not acted the part naturally ? 

Bogardus- Altogether too naturally. You have been making 
eyes at every man you met. You mustn't be making up to all the 
men in that preposterous way. I'm ashamed of you. 

Barnaby- That is the most natural thing about me. I've had 
two offers already. Oh, I'm a masher. 

Bogardus- You musn't attract so much attention. 

Barnaby- How can I help it? Enter Smother. 

Smother- That is a mighty good boss, and well gaited, behind. 

Barnaby- Oh, I should so like to ride behind it. 

Bogardus- Well, you can't do it. 

Barnaby- This is a very pleasant town of yours, Mr. Smother. 

Smother. Yes, Miss Duzenberry, we think so. 

Barnaby- And a pleasant old-fashioned roomy house. 

Smother- I am glad it pleases you miss. We are rough, but we 
are hearty. Notices ring on Barnaby's hand. Aside. That's a hand- 
sum ring she has, and a nice cane he has, guess they are rich folks. 

Barnaby. Pretty good business, Mr, Smother. 

Smother- Oh, so— so— pretty fair for the country. 

Barnaby- I just dote on the country, I'm infatuated with it ? 
—just positively infatuated. 

Bo tardus- Aside. Are you crazy? Do keep quiet like a 
good girl. 

Smother- But since I lost my wife, things go sort of caty- 
cornered. 



17 

Bamaby- They eo caty-cornered, do they? I'm so sorry. 
Dear ! dear ! are you a widower ? It is bad for a house to be without 
a mistress. I lost my husband three years ago. Dear ! dear ! you 
remember bow badly I felt, Alfred. 

Bogardus- Aside. Stop your nonsense. You will get us into 
trouble. 

Bamaby. A house like this ought to have a mistress, Mr. 
Smother. 

Smother. Indeed, it had, Miss Duzenberry. I feel it every 
day. 

Bogardus- Aside. Come, you fool, let us go out. 

Barnaby > A Smart capable woman about my age. 

Smother- Yes, indeed, Miss Duzenberry. 

Bogardus- Taking Barnaby's arm. You musn't stay here, 
this is the men's room. 

Bamaby- I'm sure I don't wish to intrude. Do I Mr. Smoth- 
er ? I am not in the way, am I ? 

Smother- No, marm. You are welcome to any part of the 
house or to the whole of it, when you say the word. 

Bamaby- Oh, Mr. Smother, do you really mean that ? Men 
are deceivers, ever. Aren't they, Alfred ? If I thought — Enter Hoss- 
barn. 

Hossbam- Excitedly. That hoss is coming down the street at 
a 2:30 clip. Exit hurriedly. 

Smother. Is he? I don't believe he can do it. Exit. 

Bogardus- Angrily. Now you have got to stop this. What a 
fool I was not to register you as my wife. Here we are in a safe re- 
treat, the police entirely baffled, and you are reckless beyond de- 
scription. 

Bamaby- It is all the effect of that costume. I can't wear this 
rig without acting out the character. 

Bo tardus- At least you might act as a dignified, retiring ma- 
tron. 

Bamaby- I act up to my conception of the character. If you 
don't like it get somebody else. I say, my reading is true to the broad 
lines. Seats himself. 

Bo&ardus- You really must be quieter in your manner, Barn- 
aby. Women don't try to attract notice from every one they meet. 

Bamaby- Don't they though ? 

Bogardus- They don't assume that wild, reckless air. It is 
considered highly objectional in good society. 

Bamaby- You are way behind the time in your conception of 



18 



the female character. Noise of dog fight heard outside. Barnaby 
jumps up, overturning chair, and rushes to window. Hi Towzer ! good 
dog. Grip him boy. 

Bo&ardws- Brags him from window. I suppose you consider 
that lady-like. Now, I tell you, you must not behave in that man- 
ner. It is not feminine. 

Barnaby- Well, perhaps that was not, but was it not a lively 
fight ? 

Bogardus You will give the whole thing away. After a 
pause. After all why not ? Our tracks are entirely covered, we 
might safely lay aside our disguises. 

Barnaby- By all means. This is the most infernal, uncom- 
fortable, inconvenient, exasperating rig ever invented by the enemy 
of mankind. No vest pockets, no hip pocket, no shirt front, no 
nothing, — pins sticking into you, things flapping about your legs. 
You don't know what I have suffered. Next time I am a woman, 
I'm going in for the divided skirt. 

Bogardus As we have thrown the police entirely off from the 
scent, I see no reason why we should not go out and throw away 
our disguises and come back and register again. I will carry your 
coat. Unpacks it from bag . Enter landlord. 

Smother. That is a good boss, but in my opinion, he will never 
do better than 2:33. Wouldn't you like to look him over, Miss 
Duzenberry ? 

Barnaby. Oh, of all things. 

Bogardus. No, we are going out for a little walk. 

Smother- Can I have a few moments private conversation with 
you, Miss Duzenberry? 

Bogardus- Not now. Come with me. 

Barnaby- Oh, Alfred, why so stern? I'm sure I should like 
to hear what Mr. Smother has to say,— that is, — if it is proper. 

Boftarrfus- Aside. The very spirit of mischief is in you. 

Barnaby* Good-bye, Mr. Smother. I shall not forget. I de- 
clare 1 am all of a tremor. Good-bye. Au revoir. Kissing his 
huwl r/xjuet'ishly. 

Ho'Jardus. Pushing him out. I declare you are worse than a 
real woman. Exeunt Bogardus and Barnaby. 

Smother* ^olus. That is a plaguy smart acting woman. 
Shouldn't wonder if she had souk; money. That is a hansum ring 
,| l;ll B he had on. He don't want me to keep company with her. 
Quesa I will -lick up some. Puts on his coat and brushes his hair. 
Thai was a hansum ring, Bhe is a hansum woman, too. First 



19 



woman I've been took with, since Sally had them fits. Mighty good 
woman Sally was, but, she did put a little too much shortening in 
her raised biscuits. But, her pies! I shall never see them pies 
again, nor such a pie-maker. She was never out of pie but once 
while we kept house, and she could jell anything she set her mind to. 
Taint likely I shall see her equal again. But it ain't well for a man 
to live alone. Oh dear. Enter Hossbarn. 

Smother- That was a fine sort of a woman, William. 

Hossbarn- Who was ? 

Smother. That woman who arrived with her brother. 

Hossbarn- Shoo ! There ain't much odds in women. They 
are curious creeters, but they are all alike, 'cept in heft and age. 

Smother- You live with one a spell and you will find out that 
there is odds in temper. 

Hossbarn- I wouldn't give a hundred dollars boot between any 
two women I ever see. 

Smother- I tell you there is just as much odds in 'em as there 
is in hosses, or in folks. You don't know nothing about 'em, 
William. 

Hossbarn- There is lots of odds in hosses. 

Smother- That is so. I wonder where Miss Duzenberry, and 
her brother went. They was mighty fine folks. 

Hossbarn- I seen 'em moseying off by the river. Eater Bogar- 
dus and Barnaby in their original dress. 

Bo&ardus- To Barnaby. Now, w r e have got to arrive all over 
again To Smother. Can w T e be accommodated with rooms here 
for a few days, Laudlord ? 

Smother- I reckon you can it you will take us as w T e run. 
Noticing Bogardus' cain. — Aside. That is just like her brother's cain. 

Barnaby* Give me something to smoke, quick I haven't 
smoked tor a week Landlord ovens cigar case, and puis a bundle of 
cigars on top of case. Notices Barnaby 's ring. 

Aside. Her ring ! There has been foul play. 

Bogardus- Well, what can you do for us, Landlord ? 

Smother. Did you notice a couple of strangers as you came up, 
a gentleman and a lady handsomely dressed ? 

Bogardus. We didn't see anything but strangers, but we cer- 
tainly did not see anybody handsomely dressed. But show us a 
room. 

Smother- To Hossbarn. G^ out and see if you can find any- 
thing of Mr. and Miss Duzenberry. I believe these evil looking chaps 
have murdered them. Get the other constable and some of the 
neighbors Exit Hossbarn. 



20 

Bogardus.. Landlord, if you can spare us a few moments of 
your valuable attention, we would like to be informed whether we 
can have a private room. Aside. Beats all the hotel clerks I ever 
saw. 

Smother. Presently, presently ! Don't be too fast. Opens reg- 
ister, pushes it with pens totcards them, retreats to back of enclosure and 
takes down old horse-pistol. Register. 

Bogardus. What have you got that pistol for ? 

Smother. In case -we should disagree about the room. 

Bamaby. What a lunatic. I suppose that you don't know that 
it is loaded. 

Smother. It is loaded young man, with seven buckshot and a 
slug. 

Bogardus. Do you keep an asylum or a hotel ? Can we have 
some rooms ? 

Smother- Presently, presently. Now, what sort of a room 
would you like ? 

Bogardus. What have you got ? We want a room with two 
beds and a fire. 

Smother. Two beds and a fire ? I haven't got a room with two 
beds and a fire. 

Bamaby. Well, then give us a fire with a room and two beds. 

Smother. The fire is in this pistol, young man. 

Bamaby. Well, don't point it at me. It might go off and hurt 
you. 

Smother- Aside. What bold villains. Not afraid of my pis- 
tol ! Let me think. A Mr. and Miss Dnzenberry have my two best 
rooms. Observes them intently. 

Bogardus. With confusion. Ah, yes. 

Bamaby. We know them well. Very nice people. Give us 
their rooms till they come back. 

Smother. The cold blooded miscreant! Leaves the room pre- 
cipitately. 

Bogardus. Here! You haven't settled us yet. Did you ever 
see the like. I believe that we have struck a private lunatic asylum. 

Bamaby. Having two sets of guests oome the same afternoon 
has unsettled his reason. Re-e)ite> Smother, accompanied by Hossharn, 
Deadhead and several citizens armed with muskets and pitchforks. 

Smother- There are the men. Seize the desperate criminals. 

Bo0Cirdll8> What is the meaning of this P Arc you crazy ? 

AIL. Surrender ! Bogardus and Bamaby are seized and after 
resistance are overcome and bound in two chairs with a clothes line. 
7 he crowd gathers to one side. 



21 

Bogardus- What under the sun are you about ? I will have 
the law of you. 

Smother- You will have all the law you want. 

Bamaby, Why do you treat inoffensive tourists in this inhos- 
pitable manner? 

Smother. Tragically. You are accused of murder. 

Bogardus. ) Marder!! 

Bamaby. > 

Smother. Of the murder of a fair and pure-souled maiden. 

Bamaby. Aside to Bogardus. The devil ! Who would have 
supposed that they would have heard of our peccadillo out here? 

Smother- Of the murder of Miss Duzenberry and her brother. 

Bogard,us. Oh ! that ! 

Bamaby- Is that all ? I breathe again. Jumping up. 

Smother- Hard-hearted miscreants ! is not that enough ? She 
was a beautiful woman. 

Bamaby- So she was. But how do you know she is dead ? 

Smother- She went out with her brother to view the scenery. 
They entered the grove near the river. They have never been seen 
to emerge. A splash was heard. Shortly after you emerged from 
the fatal grove, your faces covered with fiendish glee, your boots 
covered with mud. No one knows where 3 t ou came from, nor how 
you arrived in this place. You have the ring of that saintly woman 
on your finger, She was strangled by your hands in the bloom of 
her youth and in the new found prospect of happiness, for I should 
have married her. You have her brother's cane. Fiends, in the 
human shape, what have you to say for yourselves ? 

Bamaby- Oh, that is all right. Landlord. Don't interest your- 
self so much in other people's business. 

Smother- As sure as there is law in Jackson County, you shall 
hang. Red-handed murder can't stalk through the streets of our 
village with impunity. 

Hossbam- Not much it can't. 

Bogardus- We demand that you produce the body. 

Smother- Your request is denied. What hardness of heart to 
wish to gaze on the mangled remains. 

Bamaby- L et us know when you have the coroner's inquest, 
will you ? 

Smother- This levity is ill-timed. 

Hossbam- This will be a mighty good advertisement for our 
town. 

Deadhead- That's so. 



22 

Smother. Who will wan't to settle in a place where a lovely- 
stranger and her brother disappeared mysteriously in broad daylight. 
However, I will telegraph to New York for a reporter, and you may 
charge ten cents for a glass of whiskey. 

Hossbarn- It will make things hum. 

Smother. Let the doors be guarded, and we will drag the river 
for the bodies. 

Bogardus. We demand counsel. 

Smother. In niy opinion, they ought to be lynched. However, 
send for old Quibble. He will get them hanged anyhow. 

Exeunt all but Barnaby and Bogardus, who are tied to the chairs. 

Barnaby. How are you, Bogardus ? 

Bogardus- How are you, Barnaby? 

They go through the motion of shaking hands, then edge their chairs 
along till they are nearer together, 

Barnaby. This is an odd tiling — to be arrested for murdering 
ourselves. Who ever heard of hanging a man for suicide. 

Bogardus. Yes, and if we explain matters, that other matter 
might come out. 

Barnaby. What little matter? 

Bogardus. Why, what are we running away for? 

Barnaby. Oh yes ! Murder No. 1. I keep forgetting about 
that poor girl. You see, I am a novice at this business. 

Bogardus. Barnaby, do be serious. Our situation is gravo — 
extremely grave. 

Barnaby. All right. I am grave too. But is is a little compli- 
cated for a man to be accused of two murders in same day. 

Bogardus. So it is. But we must remain strictly incog. 

Barnaby- We must not give our real names. 

Bo&ardus. Certainly not, and they can't do anything with us 
till they find the bodies. 

Barnaby. They won't do that in a hurry. I say, Bogardus, 
this criminal career has its ups and downs, hasn't it ? 

Bo&ardus. Yes, it is like any other business, I suppose. No 
matter how hard you work, your efforts are not always blessed. 

Barnaby. Doesn't it strike you as too confining. 

Bogardus. I don't like the sedentary part. 
Enter Quibble and Guard. 

Guard Here's your lawyer. Aside. Tough cases those. 
Exit (hi aril, leaving his musket. 

Quibble* Well, gentlemen, a little trouble, hey ! What can I 
do for you ? 



23 



Barnaby- You might untie this rope. 

Quibble- I can't interfere with the executive. When the law ties 
a rope, no man can unloose it. First, what are your names ? Re 
prepares to takes notes 

Barnaby. My name is Morris. 

Bogardus- So is mine. 

Quibble- Writing. Both names Morris What was the occa- 
sion of your j ourney ? 

Barnaby- I am travelling for my health. He is my valet. I 
had heard that this is a very healthy part of the country. I am 
troubled with nervous prostration. 

Bogardus- So am I. 

Quibble- Writing. Both suffering from nervous prostration. 
Yes, the salubrity of our valley is remarkable. Yet people some- 
times lose their lives here, very suddenly. Now detail all the occur- 
rences from the time you left the city up to the commission of the 
crime. 

Bogardus- There isn't anything to tell. We haven't committed 
any crime, — at least not here. 

Quibble- You need not be afraid to tell me. You must confide 
in your counsel. 

Bogardus- We come here as simple travellers. We asked for 
rooms. They bind us in this inhospitable way. 

Quibble- To Bogardus. I prefer to talk to your master. To 
Barnaby. Have you any money ? 

Barnaby- No, not much, and we mean to keep what we have. 

Quibble- Have you any political influence ? 

Barnaby- I haven't any with me. Have you Bogardus ? 

Bogardus- I never had any. I'm a mugwump. 

Quibble- Then I should advise you to plead guilty. No money 
and no political influence? Then, why did you commit a crime? 

Bogardus- We haven't committed any crime. 

Quibble- I can get your sentence reduced to ten years for one 
hundred dollars. 

Barnaby- J Ten years ! ) 

Bogardus- \ Ten years ! J 

Quibble- Yes, you will get that, any way. You have a pretty 
good watch there. 

Barnaby- Have I? It puts me up to the time of day. 

Bo&ardus They can't prove us guilty till they find the bodies. 

Quibble- They will have both of them inside of an hour. They 
were fast to one as I came in, I heard. 



24 

Bamaby* Were they ? Well, when they get them we will be 
there. 

Quibble- Gathering up his papers. When you make up your 
minds to confide in your counsel, send for me. I can get you down 
to ten years for one hundred dollars. Meanwhile, good bye. Exit 
Quibble. 

Bamaby- Ten years! This criminal life has its drawbacks 
as a life of pleasure. But there is lots of excitement in it 

Bogardus- It wont be so exciting, ten years of solitary con- 
finement. 

Bamaby- No, I should say there might be some sameness after 
the first year 

People put their heads in at the doors and windows. Cries of "they 
ought to be lynched." Aren't they desperate looking, etc., etc. 

Bamaby. Our appearance seems to be attracting a good deal 
of attention, Bogardus. 

Bogardus- I don't half like this. Suppose they should take it 
into their silly heads to lynch us. 

Bamaby- It grows more and more exciting. Mary and Fanny 
enter at the door with floral ornaments, wreaths, etc. 

Mary, Why, they are real interesting looking. Did you ever 
See a real murderer before ? 

Fanny- Pointing to Bamaby. This one is real cute. 
Bamaby- Rising and bowing, uith chair attached Thank you 
mavm. Excuse my sitting, please. Circumstances over which I have 
no control, prevent me from standing. Pray be seated, ladies. In r 
less constrained posture, I should be much more cute, I assure you. 

Mary- Poor men. We have brought you some flowers, to cheer 
your last hours. 

Bogardus- Flowers are the one thing we needed to make the 
time pass pleasantly. 

Fanny- We will put them where } r ou can see them and inhale 
their heavenly fragrance. 

Bamaby- ConlcVt you fasten them in my button hole ? 
Fanny- Oh, no ! You see you haven't been introduced. 
Bamaby- You ought not to refuse the last wish of a condemned 
man. 

Fanny- No, poor man. Your wish shall be gratified. Aside. I 
don't think that he is dangerous at all. Fastens large bouquet to his 
coat. Mary does same for Bogardus. 

Mary- r lo Bogardus. You too shall be decorated. 
Bamaby* Thank you so much. Seems like a funeral But we 
COUid converse better, ladies, if you would undo these ropes. 



25 

Fanny- Oh, we ought not to do that. 

Bogardus- We should so enjoy a few moments unrestrained 
conversation with you 

Bamaby. Dear Madam, see how those cruel men have bound us. 

Mary. To Fanny How untamable they look. How lion-like 
the glances of their eyes. So different from the commonplace every- 
day men one meets at picnics. 

Fanny, ^es, indeed. Like eagles. 

Bamaby- For the love of humanity, do loosen this cord a little. 
My foot's asleep. 

Fanny- Will you promise not to run away ? 

Bamaby- We will promise on our sacred honors not to try to 
escape. 

Bogardus. We will consider ourselves on parole. 

Mary- But you might break your parole. 

Bogardus- Say no more, madam. If you have no confidence 
in my honor, freedom and captivity are all one to me. 

Fanny. How could you hurt his feelings so. His spirit is so 
noble. To doubt his honor. 

Bamaby . My spirit is noble, too, but both my feet are asleep, 
but I will endure it. 

Bogardus. Many times have I been in imminent peril. I have 
stared death in the face without flinching- And he stared right back 
without flinching either, but never has my honor been doubted be- 
fore. 

Fanny- I have more confidence in you. I know that neither 
you nor your friend would swerve from your plighted word. Offers 
to unbind him. 

Bogardus- No, madam. I will not be unbound, if your friend 
thinks that I cannot be trusted. Oh, that my word should be doubted 
by a lovely woman. This is indeed a stab 

Bamaby. Aside. Gad, he knows how to manage 'em.^y left 
eyebrow tickles. 

Fanny. Poor fellow. Does it? I will relieve you. Takes a 
gun left by the guard and rubs his eyebrow with\muzzel. There, is it 
better. 

Bamaby- Thank you. It does not tickle any more. 

Mary To Bogardus, whose head haugs dejectedly. Now, do 
not take it so to heart. I would not wound you for worlds. There, 
you see I have perfect confidence in you, unbinds him. Aside. 
What delicacy of feeling ! 

Ba,maby My feet and hands are all asleeep. 



26 

Fanny- Poor man. I will release you. 

Barnaby- No. I do not wish to be unbound. If there is a 
shade of suspicion between us, I prefer to submit to the temporary in- 
convenience of the ropes I despise. Aside. — I guess I can work that 
game as well as he. 

Fanny- To Mary. What nobility of soul. So superior to the 
men one meets at dances. To Barnaby. Pray pardon me my sus- 
picion. It was unworthy of me. I had never met any gentlemen of 
your profession before. Both are unloosed and walk about unsteadily. 
The girls support them. 

Fanny- Cruel men, to put you to such inconvenience. 

JVLarif- To Bogardus. Can you forgive me ? 

Bogardus. Say no more about it. We are, perhaps, foolishly 
tenacious of our professional honor. 

Mary- Now, sit down, and tell us something about your life. 

Fanny- How wildly exciting it must be to be a real murderer. 
Were you brought up to it ! Do sit down here. They seat themselves. 
The men in the center, the girls on either side. 

Barnaby- I was forced into a wild life by a cruel train of 
unmitigated circumstances. 

Fanny- How interesting. Do tell us all of your adventures. 

Bogardus I was born an orphan. 

Mary- How touching. 

Barnaby- I was born of rich but honest parents on a hill farm 
in Connecticut. You have noticed that all our great men came from 
hill farms in Connecticut ? 

Fanny- Poor man, so young and so unhappy. 

Barnaby- At an early age I was deprived of my parents and 
left with the farm. 

Fanny- Poor man. No wonder you became desperate. 

Barnaby- In these interesting circumstances, I was put under 
the care of a grinding guardian. 

Bogardus Interrupting. At four years, I ran away from 
home and became a foot pad. 

Barnaby Interrupting. A contemptible straight-laced honest 
man. My spirit rose against oppression. I removed that guardian. 

Bo&ardus- Interrupting. Placing myself at the head of a gang 
of bandits, I devastated. 

Barnaby Interrupting and speaking very fast. Since then I 
have lived a life of an outlaw— my hand against every man and every 
man's hand against mine. I terrorized the country for years. I am 
the head of a great organization with our emissaries in every town. 






27 

My friend here is a mere amateur, a robber apprentice whom I am 
putting up to a few points. The unfortunate man and woman who 
came here yesterday were in the possession of information that was 
fatal to our band. It was necessary to remove them. They are re- 
moved accordingly. 

Fanny- Where to ? 

Barnaby- To one of the secret hiding places of our band. 
They can be produced at a moments notice. 

Mary- Then, why don't you produce them ? 

Barnaby- Do you think so meanly of me as to suppose that I 
would produce them at the dictate of the minions of the law. No, 
far rather death. Death has no terrors for me. 

Bogardws. Nor for me I snap my fingers at it. 

Mary- To Fanny. What untamed eagle — like fearlessness ! 
Such men one could love with one's whole soul. 

Fanny- Yes, indeed. To the firey center of one's heart. 

Barnaby- Do you think that we would fly from the dogs of 
the law. Perish the thought. 

Bogardus- Perish the thought. 

Barnaby- Don't you think that a walk in the country would 
be pleasant ? 

Fanny- The guard is at the door. 

Barnaby. Say the word, and I will strike him down and hew 
my way through all opposition. 

Fanny- Oh, no. You must not do that. 

Bo^aJ'das- Why not get out of the window and not disturb 
them. 

Mary- But that would be running away, wouldn't it ? 

Bogardus- It would look like it, but of course we should come 
back. Our parole is sacred. 

Barnaby Our parole is not to be broken. Tumult outside. 
Cries of, "Lynch the murderers. Let us get at them. Bring them out. 
Hang them" etc. 

Mary- They will get at them and kill them. Fastens the door on 
the inside. Blows heard on the door. 

Fanny- You must fly. 

Barnaby- Not unless you go with me. 

Fanny- I know a safe retreat on the mountain side where you 
would not be disturbed unless it might be by a Sunday School picnic. 

Barnaby- I used to be a Sunday-school superintendent; I love 
the little innocents. Will you go with me and be mine forever? 

Fanny Have you got over being a Sunday-school superintend- 
ent? 



28 

Barnaby. Entirely. I assure you, my love. 

Fanny- Then, I am yours. Come. They climb out of the window, 

Mary- You mustn't stay here to be assassinated by those cruel 
men. 

Bogardus- Will you consent to become a bandit's bride. 

Mary. Why, I hardly know. This is very unexpected. Con- 
sider how short our acquaintance has been. Are you sure you really 
know me. By the way, what is your name? Aside. — How romantic. 

Bogardus My name is Percival Bogardus. Can you love an 
outlaw, a proscribed man. 

Mary. It has been my dream to wed a lion-hearted man, who 
would terrorise the country from his rocky lair, and whom I could 
terrorise at home. 

Bogardus- Here is the man. The genuine article. Cries heard 
outside as before, — the door is pounded on. 

Mary- Come quick, there' is no time to lose. 

Bogardus- Aside. I guess that door will hold a few minutes 
longer. I will not leave this room till you promise to be mine. 

Mary- Nonsense, you must. Come along, we can talk of that 
as we fly, Pushes him towards window. 

Bogardus- Gad ! how strong she is ! Gently, gently, please, 
my dear. 

Mary- Catching hold of him and hauling him along. You are 
mine now, my lion-hearted terror, my stony eagle ! I never knew 
what love was before. 

Bogardus- Aside. Neither did 1. This is a new experience. 
She has the muscle of a prize fighter. I thought love was a tender 
passion, my dear. 

Mary- So it is, usually. But these are unusual circumstances. 
My love is deep as the oceau, and strong,— oh, so stroDg ! Still haul- 
ing him towards window. 

Bogardus- Aside. Strong. I should say it was strong. John 
L. Sullivan is nothing to it,— easy, easy, my dear. 

Mary- Gets through window and hauls Bogardus through.. Come 
on my bandit, my robber king. You have found your mate. Exeunt 
behind window as Smother enters in through the other side in exaggerated 
mourning. 

Smother- The body of the sainted woman cannot be found. I 
have put on mourning for her. Where have ye hidden it ye mis- 
creants V You shall answer; you shall be put to the torture. Per- 
ceives vacant chairs. Why they have gone, too ! No bodies ! No 
criminals! Help! Rescue! They have cut sticks. They have 



29 



vamoosed. They have departed. The crowd rushes in through door. 
The murderers are loose. Pursue them. The reputation of our 
town is at stake. No murderers and no corpses ! Pursue them. 
Bring them in dead or alive. 
Jill. Pursue them. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

Same room as in Act II. Bogardus and Barnaby bound in chairs. 
Smother •, Hossbarn and Deadhead have jtist finished tying them. 

Smother. They thought they could get away, but we caught 
'em. There, 1 guess that you will not get away this time until you 
are led out for execution. 

Barnaby. I still hold, Landlord that you can't hang anybody 
for murder until you can prove that somebody is dead. 

Smother. Where is Miss Duzenberry ? 

Barnaby- I am sure I don't know. Why do you hold me re- 
sponsible for a female in whom I do not take the slightest interest ? 

Smother- Your impudence is equalled only by your monstro- 
sity. Let the door be guarded, and we will bring them to trial at 
once. Bring in the Jury, constable. 

Hossbarn- All right Squire. Exeunt all but B. and B. 

Barnaby- This criminal life is very confining, Bogardus. 

Bogardus- Altogether too sedentary, Barnaby. 

Barnaby- That is the most pestilential old fool I ever saw. 

Bogardus- They can't prove anything against us. 

Barnaby- I'd rather they would prove it and let me go, than 
not prove it and hold me because they can't, 

Enter Smother, Deidhead, Hossbarn, Quibble and three or four 
others.— Enough to make ajuryofsix. 

Smother- The trial will now proceed. Mr. Constable, conduct 
the jury to their places. Gentlemen of the jury, rise— You do 
solemnly swear that you will hear the evidence in this ease of the 
People against the man Morris, and his partner, and a true verdict 



30 



give according to the evidence and the statute in such case made and 
provided, raise your right hands. 

Jury We do. All stare intently at Barnaby. 

Smother. Prisoner at the bar, rise. 

Barnaby. Rises akwardly, with chair attached. I must protest. 

Smother- Silence in the Court. You shall be heard through 
your counsel. Beads from paper. "You are accused of having, with 
malice aforethought and intent to do bodily harm, clubbed, stabbed, 
drowned, murdered, and otherwise bereft of life with clubs, stones, 
daggers, swords, guns, revolvers, and howitzers, Miss Clara Duzen- 
berry, to her great bodily harm, detriment and inconvenience, and 
contrary to the statute in such case made and provided." What do 
you plead ? 

Barnaby- I claim first : that no murder has been committed ; 
second, that I did not do it ; third, that Miss Duzenberry committed 
suicide and is at present in perfect health ; fourth, that there never 
has been, and is not now, and never will be, any Miss Duzenberry. 

Smother- Entering notes. Have you counsel ? 

Bamaby- No. 

Smother- I will appoint Solomon Quibble, Esq., Attorney at- 
law, to defend the prisoners. 

Barnaby- Then, I plead guilty. 

Smother. You shall be heard through your counsel. Mr. Quib- 
ble, take charge of the case. What plea do you enter? 

Quibble- Rising. I plead that the prisoner is insane. It is a 
clear and undoubted case of emotional insanity. 

Barnaby. Nonsense ! Sitting down violently with chair. 

Bo tardus. Aside. Gad, he is about right. 

Quibble. We shall show, your Honor, that the prisoner's family 
are all insane, and have been so for three generations. 

Barnaby. Angrily. Perfectly absurd. 

Quibble. In particular we shall show that the prisoner was born 
under very unsanitary conditions ; that his mother boarded before his 
birth with an insane woman whose son was also insane, from whom 
the prisoner caught the complaint ; that symptoms of a tendency to 
delirium were developed in the prisoner at the age of two years, giving 
rise to homicidal insanity during his entire childhood"; that the pris- 
oner's speech, look and actions are wild, disconnected, incoherent and 
SUCll as only an insane person indulges in. 

Barnaby. Angrily. A pack of lies ! 

Quibble. Aside to him. That is right Talk and act just 
that" way. I call your attention, gentlemon of the jury, to the pris- 



31 



oner's appearance. Notice the wild gleam of insanity in his eye. 
Furthermore, your honor, under the authority of the 15th and 16th 
of Wendell, where the Supreme Court held distinctly that until the 
body of the murdered person is found there is no corpus delicti, and 
in consequence no cause of action, we ask for an adjournment. 

Smother. For how long ? 

Quibble. For seven years. 

Bogardus- To Barnaby. The old man's head is level. 

Barnaby. Aloud. The lawyer is the craziest one of the lot. 

Quibble Do you hear that? Another evidence of insanity. An 
insane person always considers other people crazy. 

Smother. Seven years is too long. The prisoners might die. 

Hossbarn. Who has been looking out of the window. They are 
fixing for a race between the old Daniel Webster horse and Hines's 
mare 

All. Is that so ! All rise and rush out excitedly. 

Smother. In going out. Hear ye! Hear ye ! This court stands 
adjourned for one-quarter of an hour. Rushes out leaving B. and B. 
alone. 

jBogardus. Did you ever know the like. This is the craziest 
town I ever struck. 

Barnaby. It is a good thing that we are not accused of horse 
stealing. They would have us hanged by this time. 

Enter Mary and Fanny, climbing through the window. 

J\tary. They would not let us in, and so we came the moment 
the coast was clear. 

Fanny. That guard is just real mean. You sha'n't be tied in 
chairs any longer, you poor dear bandits. Theyproceed to utiiie them. 

Barnaby. Thanks, awfully. I hope that we sha'n't be tied again 
soon. 

Bogardics. Interrupting. Except when we are tied to you. 

Barnaby- That is what I was going to say. Do not interrupt 
your captain. 

Jlfary. Now, we have a new plan. Producing bundle. We have 
brought you some clothes so that you can disguise yourselves and 
nobody will know you. Opens buudle. We have brought these 
that my little brother found in the river. 

Fanny. We have dried and iroued them nicely, so that you 
need not fear to catch cold. 

Barnaby. To Bogardus. Our disguises ! How fortunate ! 

Botfardus. Our disguises to be sure. Now, Barnaby, be a good 
girl this time. 



32 

Mary. Run into the parlor and disguise yourselves quick as you 
can. We will go away and meet you outside. Exeunt B. and B. 

Fanny' What fun ! Do you suppose nobody will know them ? 

Mary. Oh, we can fix them up a little. 

Fanny. But what can we do with them. 

Mary. We will introduce them as friends from the city. Make 
up some names. 

Fanny. Let me see. Enter Peter. 

Peter. Excuse me ladies. I am looking for two strangers. 

Fanny. Two strangers. Aside. Its somebody after our ban- 
dits. 

Peter- Yes ladies. An elderly man and woman. 

Mary. Oh, yes; exactly; an elderly man and woman. 

Peter. I followed them from the railroad station. 

Fanny. Why do you want an elderly man and woman ? 

Peter. They have absquandered my master in toto. 

Mary. Is it possible 1 

Peter. Yes miss, and I have followed them to this town and I 
am going to have them arrested. They are desperate characters. 

Fanny- Why this town is running over with desperate charac- 
ters! 

Peter. Then I guess I'll get the constable. 

Mary. We will show you where he lives. Exeunt all three 
Enter B. aud B. disguised. 

Barnaby. Does my dress hang right behind ? 

Bogardus. Oh, yes, it hangs down to the ground. 

Barnaby. Is my hat on straight? This makes me think of 
that poor girl. 

Bogardus- Pretty straight, I think, but it looks crumpled. 
Poor thing, I am sorry for her, too. 

Barnaby- How do I look. Her bright and unsuspecting life 
snurTed out in an instant. Weeps. 

Bogardus. Are my whiskers even? Life is very uncertain, 
Barnaby, 

Barnaby. Push 'em a little more to the left. There that will 
do. It is indeed, Bogardus. She was probably bringing the candy 
to her little sister, Bogardus. 

Bogardus. They don't feel just right. Straighten 'em a little, 
please. That little sister will never see her, Barnaby. Nor eat that 
candy. Weeps. 

Barnaby. Not in this world. So young and so happy ! Am I 
all right, Bogardus ? 



33 



Bo&ardus. You haven't a real feminine air somehow. Cut 
down so early in life, she who might have made some good man's 
home bright and happy. There, that is better. Pulls down his skirt 

Bamaby. Now, we are complete. Probably she would have- 
lived to a good old age. Enter Peter and Hossbarn. 

Peter. There they are. I want you to arrest them for making 
away with two men. 

Hossbarn- Why them's the folks came this morning. They've 
been made away with themselves. 

Peter- I can't help that. I've got a requisition, 

Hossbarn- All right then. Peter shows him paper. 

Bamaby, To Bogardus Here's more trouble. These are 
mighty good disguises of yours. -I'd like to assume some character 
in which I should nnt be liable to arrest. 

Bogardus- lo Bamaby. No one could have foreseen this 
complication. It is unfortunate. 

Bamaby. We'll have to go through some more lightning trans- 
formation scenes. Fast as they take us up in one character, we will 
change to another. 

Bogardus- I am afraid that would not work. I must speak to 
Peter. Moves up behind Peter and speaks in his ear. Hossbarn contin- 
ues reading requisition paper. Peter, bring another omelet ! 

Peter. Great scott ! ! Mr. 

Hogardu/S. Hush. Don't mention my name but go right back 
to town and if anybody asks for me say I'm in Europe. 

Peter- Yes, sah. 

Bamaby. And Peter, While you are about it, say I'm dead. 
Dead, Peter recollect. I never was deader, that is simplest. Dead. 
Peter. 

Peter. Yes, sah. 

Hossbarn. This is all right. Now, come along. 

Peter. These are not the individuals. 

Hossbarn. Paper is all right, I'm going to arrest them anyhow. 

Bamaby. To Peter. Tell him you saw the right people in 
another part of the town. 

Peter I saw those individuals near the depot. Come quick. 

Hossbarn- Well, I want my fees anyway. 

Peter- You shall have them. 

Bamaby- "Take, O boatman, thrice thy fee." Giving him 
money. 

Hossbarn All right. We'll catch them. Exit Hossbarn and 
Peter, main door. 



34 

Bamaby. There is more excitement in this criminal life than I 
thought possible, but I am getting mixed as to whom I really am. 

Bogardus It is confusing. Assume a more conventionally 
proper air. Some one is coming. Enter Smother. 

Smother. The bodies as sure as I am born ! Where are the 
prisoners ? 

Bamaby. Two persons went out just as we arrived, Mr. 
Smother. 

Smother. Is it really you, Miss Duzenberry? Alive and well ? 
You can imagine what I have suffered in thinking about you. 

Bamaby. Have you ? Was the thought of me so painful ? 

Bogardus. Aside to Bamaby. Shut up, you fool. 

Smother- I have looked for you everywhere. That is, for your 
remains. I thought that you had been murdered. 

Bamaby, Murdered! How horrible! What an idea! lam 
not in the habit of being murdered, I assure you. Coquettishly. And 
you really felt badly ? 

Bogardus. To Bamaby. Stop your confounded nonsense. I 
believe that lawyer is right. You are insane. You will get us into 
trouble again. 

Smother. Yes, I felt very bad right here. Puts his hand on his 
heart. I hain't felt so bad since I lost Sally. 

Bamaby. Did you really think I was murdered ? 

Smother. Yes, there came here two of the most villainous look- 
ing men, I ever saw. One of them was a huge man, his face seamed 
with crime. 

Bamaby. To Bogardus That is you. But there were two 
you say, the other was not so bad then ? 

Smoth&r- You are mistaken, Miss Duzenberry. The other was 
shorter, but I never saw a more frightful face. He looked like a 
fiend from hell, out on a summer vacation and]trying to look benevo- 
lent. I shudder when I think of that evil man. 

Bogardus, To Bamaby. That is you. But] where are they 
now ? 

Smother. They were captured and escaped. I re-captured 
them after a most desperate struggle. 

Bamaby They resisted, did they ? 

Smother. Violently. I thought at one time that I should have 
to call for help. 

Bogardus- But, you did not. 

Si Mother. No, the thought of Miss Duzenberry nerved my arm. 
[ was like a thousand men. 



35 



Bamaby. But where are the desperate miscreants now ? Do 
let us see them. 

Smother- Looking around. That reminds me. They have es- 
caped again. They must be pursued. Calls. Hiram ! George ! En- 
ter Hossbam and Deadhead. Them murderers have got loose again. 
They must be caught. 

Hossbam. Them murderers is more trouble than a whole 
family. 

Deadhead' Confound them, why can't they stay caught? I 
can't be chasing murderers all this good haying weather. 

Smother. They must be caught for the honor of the town. 
Will you go with us, Mr. Dnzenburry ? 

Bo gar das Thanks. I am rather tired after my walk. Aside. — 
The idea of asking a man to help catch himself. I will stay and 
protect my sister. 
Bamaby- Oh, yes, do. Catching his arm. I'm so timid. 
Hossbarn. If we get them again, we might as well shoot them 
on the spot and save all further litigation. 
Bamaby. Oh, yes, shoot them on the spot. 
Smother. Bring them in alive or dead, and we will give them 
a fair trial. Law is laiv. 

Hossbam. But, it seems to me, that there hasn't been anybody 
murdered. Here are the folks to prove it. 

Bamaby \ We don't know anything about it. We are strangers, 
aren't we Alfred ? 

Bo tardus Certainly, we know nothing about the case. 
Smother. You can't prove anything by them. Those murder- 
ers were in the custody of the law, and they can't be released except 
by verdict. 
Bamaby- Oh, catch them by all means. 

Smother. It shall be done if you wish it. But I will take off 
my mourning. Removes his coat. 

Hossbam. To Deadhead. I can't get this through my head. 
Deadhead Nor I neither. But it will all come out on the 
trial. 

Bamaby. To Smother. Did you really think I was lost ? 
Bo (tardus- To Bamaby. Keep quiet, can't you. You will get 
things mixed. 

Bamaby. To Bogardus. Can't be mixed up worse than they 
are already. If I am to wear a woman's dress, I am going to have a 
woman's heart. No half-way measures for me. It is the effect of this 
costume. 



36 

Smother. I thought I should never see you again. 
Barnaby. My poor man! Now catch those murderers, and 
when you get them, I am yours. We will have the hanging and 
the wedding on the same day. Two nooses— one clergyman ! 

Smother. They shall be captured. Exeunt Smother, Eossbarn 
and Deadhead. 

Bogardus. Positively, Barnaby, you are the most imprudent 
person, — don't you know that that first murder is still hanging over 
us. We should avoid all notice. 

Barnaby. Dear me ! I forgot all about that poor girl. So 
young, so handsome, and no suitable monument erected over her 
mangled remains. Weeps. It is a duty peculiarly ours. It shall be 
inscribed, "From her friends and well wishers.— The good die young," 
Enter Mary and Fanny. 

Fanny. Why didn't you come out as you said you would ? We 
have been waiting for you this half hour, you naughty bandits. 

Barnaby. Our disguises are so good that there is no need of our 
running away now 

Fanny. Oh, you goose. You don't think that you really look 
like a woman. 
Barnaby. Why. Don't I? 

Mary. You might deceive a man, but not a woman. How his 
dress hangs ! Do look. 

Fanny* Let me arrange you a little. Pins it up here and there. 
Mary. That is better ; still— Mary and Barnaby converse apart. 
Fanny. But didn't you want to see us? Why did you wait? 
Barnaby. Knew you would come here to see us pretty soon. 
Fanny- But, the gentlemen ought to come to see the ladies. 
Barnaby- Well, I'm a lady now. I admit, Bogardus was not 
polite to dally here. He is only a walking gentleman. We girls 
have to wait for people to come to see us. 
Fanny. We girls, indeed ! 

Barnaby. It's mean in Mary to take the only beau. 
Fanny. Tearfully. Then you don't love me any longer ? 
Barnaby* Oh, yes, I do, but in a different way. More tender 
and retiring, you know. 

Fanny. I don't like the retiring way. 

Barnaby- I can't feel much like a bold bandit in this dress. I 
can't make the advances, now. 

Fanny. Pouting. I don't believe you ever hurt anybody. 
Barnaby- Don't you? Just read our exploit in this morning's 
paper. Feels frantically for the pocket 



37 

Bogardus. Calls out. Don't tell her about that. 

Fanny- About what ? You mustn't have any secrets from me 

Bogardus- Running up. Don't show that paper. You might 
give the police a clue. 

Barnaby. If they get a clue, we are safe anywhere. 

Fanny* You must give your Fanny your whole confidence. 

Barnahy- Certainly. But I can't find any pockets. There are 
a great many inconveniences about being a woman. 

Fanny- Here is the pocket. You were looking in the wrong 
gore. 

Barnaby- I was looking in the wrong gore, was I ? 

Bogardus- Don't show the paper. 

Mary- Coming up. What are you talking about, my dear ? 

Bogardus- I was saying that it was very fortunate that you 
found our disguises. 

Barnaby- That paper must be in my coat pocket. Goes to side 
where 7iis coat is. Enter Smother. 

Smother. No trace can be found of the fugitives. They have 
vanished. 

Bogardus- Are they still at large ? 
' Smother- They are. 

Bo&ardus- But they cannot escape, can they ? 

Smother. No. The town is thoroughly patrolled. Would you 
advise me to send to New York for a detective ? 

Bogardus- By no means. Let the honor of capturing them 
be ours. They converse apart. Smother regards Barnahy admiringly. 

Barnaby. 1o Fanny. He has been examining his coat in the 
meantime, finds the paper, carries forward and hands to her. Here 
it is. Prepare to have your blood froze. 

Fanny- Reads. " Horrible occurrence ! A young woman found 
dead ! " She looks at head of paper. Why, how old are you ? 

Barnaby- I was thirty on my last birthday. 

Fa,nny- Sobbing. You have been deceiving me. You have 
claimed crimes that are not yours. 

Barnaby. No. I assure you. 

Fanny \ You have assumed a wickedness to which you have no 
Veal title. Your character is not what I thought. 

Barnaby Do you think me moan enough to conceal virtue un- 
c ler a smiling appearance of vice ? 

Fanny- Yes. I must conquer my love. You are not truthful. 
fobbing. And I thought you so bad and wild. 

Barnaby- I m:lv have lived a life oi violence and crime, but 1 



38 



have always been scrupulously veracious. My professional reputa- 
tion is beyond reproach. 

Fanny- Sobbing. How could you have murdered a woman 
when you were only two years old. 

Bamaby. Two years old. 

Fanny- Deceiver ! I don't believe you ever killed a chicken. 
Say that you have at least, robbed a hen roost, and that your love for 
me made you claim crimes you never have committed. 

Bamaby* What do you mean ? We are hiding now on account 
of that murder, and I haven't slept since it was committed. 

Fanny- Likely that you have been awake twenty-eight years. 
Read that, innocent man and never raise your head again. 

Bamaby- Reads. "Fort Sumter was this morning fired upon 
from Charleston. The venerable Edward RufBn pointed the first 
gun." Confound those fellows. Have they started a new rebellion. 
Is that old Ruffin on hand to fire the first gun again ? I will enlist 
at once. Thank the Lord for the chance to show myself a man. 
Good bye, my love. Halloo, Bogardus ! Come here ! We can go 
to war and get oat of this. The others come forward. 

Smother- You go to war, Miss Duzenberry ! 

Bamaby- I shall enlist at once. Hurrah for the Stars and 
Stripes ! Dances around stage. 

Smother- Mercy on us ! She has gone crazy. Miss Duzenberry, 
reflect. Think a moment. 

Bogardus- We will be in the ranks to-morrow. 

Mary- That is right. I honor you for it. 

Fanny- 1o Bamaby. Here, look at the date of this paper. 
Thrusts it into Ids hand. 

Bamaby- Beads. April 12th 1861!! Why, this paper is 
twenty-seven years old. Bogardus, that murder took place twenty- 
seven years ago. 

Bo&ardus- What do you mean ? 

Bamaby- See here. Showing paper. 

Bogardus- That murder is outlawed. Hurrah ! They dance 
around the stage. 

Smother- They have both gone crazy. . 

Bamaby- Hurrah! I'm a man again. Off with these duds I'm 
twice the man I was. Begins to take off woman's clothes. 

Smother- She is crazy. Miss Duzenberry ! Consider your sex. 
Withdraw into an inner apartment. Endeavors to hold Barnaby's 
Hkiris on. Oirls retire to back of stage, laughing. In the struggle, 
Barndby throws Smother down, throws skirt over his head. Bamaby 
arises without woman's dress puts on his coat quickly. Bogardus takes 
off false tchiskers, etc. 



39 

Smother. Arising Where is Miss Duzenberry? Recognize* 
Barnaby. 
Barnaby. She has gone out for a walk. 

Smother. That is the murderer. Seize him, ladies Barnaby 
and Bogardus retreat to the girls. 

Bogardus. We surrender. 

Barnaby. We surrender at discretion. 

Mary. We take you, for your readiness to enlist, rather than 
your clothes, shows that you are really men. 

Smother. Where is Miss Duzenberry ? 

Barnaby. Landlord, you have been laboring under a slight mis- 
take. We are the murderers and the victims In fact, there have 
been no murderers and no victims. Attracted by the fame of the 
beauty and grace of these young ladies, we came here in assumed 
characters that we might judge for ourselves, We find that the truth 
was not half told us. 

Fanny. Come, — you can at least lie. 

Smother. Then, there ain't any Miss Duzenberry. 

Barnaby. No, not much. Miss Duzenberry is no more. 

Smother. I will resume my mourning. Pats on his coat. 

Bogardus. There is nothing left ot her, but that skirt. 

Smother- Gathering up clothes tenderly. She was a fine woman. 
I shall never see her like again 

Barnaby. Take her for all in all, you never will. 

Smother. I wish I had her photograph to remember her by. 

Bogardus. Cherish her memory and be true to it. 

Smother. Tearfully. I loved her the moment I sot eyes on her. 

Barnaby. Your sentiments do credit equally to your head and 
to your heart, Mr. Smother. 

Smother. If there was a stun in the cemetery, 'long side of 
Sally, it would be a comfort. 

Mary. Things are not what they seem, Mr. Smother. 

Fanny. The world is full of illusions, Mr. Smother. 

Barnaby- "What shadows we are aud what shadows we 
pursue" 

Smother. She was hansum as a picter. Lord, what an intellect 
that woman had ! I shall never see such a rigger again. Enter IIoss- 
larn. 

Hossbarn. The Bronson mare is coming down the road at a 
two-twenty-five clip, and the Henderson mare after her. 

Smother. Is that so ? Excuse me ladies and gentlemen. 
Exeunt Smother and Hossbarn hastily. 

CURTAIN. 



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